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Yes, Minnie Mouse liked polka dots and she looked rather sweet.

But polka dots on a real-life girl's underwear (especially when teamed with bunny-boiler lacy bits on the outer seams of the bra and pants) should be regarded as a kind of ominous Morse code to men, warning them to stay well away.

I can't remember the first time I saw a girlfriend's underwear, probably because I was a hormone-crazed teenage boy whose nervousness at getting a girl into bed made the moment about as erotic as a G8 summit.

Since then, though, and particularly during my tenure as editor of a men's magazine - with a constant stream of beautiful models and celebrities posing in underwear for shoots - I became quite an expert. When you see that many lithe bodies in sexy sets, it's surprising how quickly you develop very strong opinions on what you do and don't like.

Add in the cute polka dots, frilly detail and the sexy hipster shorts and you've got a winning combination.Either this garment is working with fantastic efficiency or the model already has a killer figure and is wearing it for some perverse, contrapuntal thrill.Either way, she looks like she's been professionally gift-wrapped in buff brown paper. ALEX: Is this underwear or has she forgotten to take some of it off? I can't imagine for a second that a girl who looks like this model - or even just a bit like this model - would need this level of support.In my experience, polka dot girls (remember Paula Yates?) are completely dotty - all cutesy and innocent one moment, doing baby talk and watching old musicals in bed while eating violet crËme chocolates; the next screaming like a banshee, slashing your tyres and cutting your best suits into ribbons.

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SIMON: Call me a traditionalist, but I've never found cartoon characters like this young lady much of a turn-on.

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